In this stage of my “journey” I’ve came to a point on which I feel like I know nothing, let me explain:
Since I met this guy, Daniel, the one I mentioned in the previous post “Knowing God, finding the truth” I’ve been totally engaged in the search for truth.
So the past year I´ve been reading lots of books, spiritual- new age books; A course in miracles, The power of now, almost all of Paulo Coehlo books, Letting go by David Hawkins, Conversations with God (I,II,III), The untethered soul, Autobiography of a Yogi, Many lives many masters, and the list goes on.
I’ve been listening to Mooji on youtube also Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj, Jiddu Krishnamurti and Jeff Foster I resonate with what he says too. I spend 7 hours a day listening to videos on youtube, my job allows me to do so. There are tons of videos regarding different aspects with questions and answers from them, satsangs.
What they all point to is just one question that we should never stop asking ¿who am I? removing everything that we are not, everything that we have been taught. I have done that inquiry and what I find is that I am nothing I just am; everything I see is something that was impregnated in me by parents, friends, television etc. But I feel that I’m strongly identified with these beliefs and when I get to the point on which I see that is all a thought I don’t know how to describe it, maybe it’s just the ego, but it feels like ¿why be here then? ¡It feels like a bad joke to be here! (I’m laughing hard while I write this part) for sure is the ego that’s talking, I don’t know..
And there is where the million “I don’t know’s” started.
This is what I know:
I know that I am here, that I exist, I know that there is something that makes this body and the rest of the bodies that I perceive function and that it decides when to make them stop functioning. Because I can´t tell my heart to beat, it just beats.
I know that it has happened to me that when I listen to music in other languages which I don’t understand I feel peace and space and when I look for the translations of the songs I realized that they were are made to cause that effect.
The rest are all beliefs, all thoughts.
¿Is the search for the truth also a belief? I don’t know, I just know that when I listen to Mooji and see his eyes I recognize something I see joy, I see peace, I see love and compassion and it makes me stay there and listen to him for hours everything he says resonates with me is as if I had lost myself and found myself in him again.
I used to pray every night, but I don’t feel the urge to pray anymore because I don’t know who I am asking and thanking to, ¿is it me saying thank you to myself since I am one with God? I don’t know… and when I pray is always out of fear, when I’m scared I pray, I mostly pray just when I’m scared so I stop and ask ¿Is God a created image-concept based of fear?, the feeling that we need someone to protect us, the belief that we are not good enough, and therefore there must be something higher than us? I don’t know..
I could go on and write all the different talks in my mind as you can see there is a lot of noise haha, and then I stop and say ¡ok, I don’t know anything! and there is space..
I realize that all this talk can go on, but there is something, a part of me that is quiet despite of that noise. But even knowing this I get caught up most of the time in the noise and identified with thoughts and then frustration arrives, but I feel that it is normal since we are kids we get identified with thoughts.
So im just here, not knowing anything… anytime I try to get to a conclusion about something at the end all I can say is I don’t know… I decided to just let everything be whatever arrives I just let it be. I trusth the process.
I don’t know… but this too shall pass.. (Is that also a belief? I don’t know haha)
Namaste beautiful souls